Punishment vs. Discipline

Punishment is different from consequences and boundaries. Seeing and nurturing the inherent goodness in our children will only reinforce that goodness. An important part of reinforcing goodness is teaching kids how to set and respect boundaries, how to understand their own and others emotions, and how to problem solve through the innate trickiness of life. 

Moving from punishment to discipline is really difficult, especially if you were not raised that way. We will instinctually gravitate to punishment because it can provide a quick fix to the problem while reinforcing the narrative we grew up with. However, the long term consequences of punishment aren’t worth the short term gains. 

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.” - LR Knost 

Punishment:

Uses shame to impose change from the outside

Focused on stopping the behavior 

Uses obedience and control

Uses yelling, threats, and time-outs

Causes fear, defensiveness, and disconnection

Discipline:

Uses guidance to cultivate change from the inside

Focused on correcting Behavior

Uses cooperation and problem solving

Uses boundaries, modeling, and problem solving

Causes connection, resilience, and self-control

How to Shift from Punishment to Discipline:

Set Clear Expectations:

When your brother has a new toy, he does not have to share it with you.

Get Curious About the Behavior:

I wonder what he’s feeling that makes him want to grab the toy from his brother?

Maintain Firm Boundaries:

It is frustrating when you can’t have what you want, but the toy is your brother’s, and I won’t let you take it from him. 

Offer Emotional Coaching:

I often feel really excited when there’s a new toy, especially if someone else looks like they are enjoying it. It’s hard to not want to go take the toy, but sometimes distracting myself or finding something else I enjoy can help. 

Give Choice

Would you like to go to another room and find something else to play with or would you like to come sit with me on the couch and we can read together for a little while?

Debrief and Problem Solve Later

Man, seeing your bother with a new toy that you can’t play with felt really hard, huh? Want to tell me more about how you feel when that happens? What are some strategies we can try the next time that happens? 

I grew up with an authoritarian parent. I am an inherently curious human, and I always questioned and pushed boundaries that didn’t make sense to me. I was shamed and punished and made to feel fundamentally flawed for what I now consider one of my gifts.

Punishment might stop the behavior temporarily, but can also create a cycle of frustration and aggression. When it looks like it’s working it’s often because the child is hiding or changing who they fundamentally are, in order to conform to your needs. 

I promised myself I would parent differently, but it is NOT easy. It is something I have to consciously choose everyday. 

Having been raised with punishment, I automatically gravitate toward punishment to stop the behavior. For me, understanding the difference and having scripts and tools was necessary.

For me, it takes patience, practice, self-compassion, a LOT of repairs, and a fundamental reframing of the way I view my children.